A Libation in Words: An Ode to My Yin Portal

My Ma passed away on August 18th, 1985. Nine days after she delivered me to this world, she said farewell to this beautiful earth plane.

It always bothered me that I was unable to attend my mother's funeral. I was never allowed the opportunity for closure, so today, I'm going to take this opportunity to honor and to commemorate the fly and beautiful spirit that birthed me into this world.

Dear Ma,

When I was little, they used to always tell me that you was up in the sky in heaven. But now that I'm getting taller and I'm growin' closer to the heavens, they don't tell me that you in the sky no more. Now, everytime we driving and we pass Rosehill Cemetary, somebody always turns to me and probes, "ey Ash, you know ya mother buried ova there with Uncle So and So right?" Yeah, they don't say you in the sky no more though.

For 25 years I buried you into some imaginary heaven in the sky. I told myself that you and your death didn't matter because I didn't know you in the physical form. I was only 9 days fresh out of your womb when you LEFT, so how could I know you?

Truth is, I didn't want to acknowledge you, because I refused to wallow in sadness. I didn't want to admit that I resented you, that I hated you for dropping me off and leaving me in this world by myself at 9 days old. It was too painful to admit that I resented you for rearranging my life. For years, I grew up feeling disconected, feeling like my whole life was a joke or some type of experiement because I knew that if you were here, my life journey would have been completely different. They say that your mother is your pulse to the world. Well just as YOUR pulse stopped beating, my pulse stopped beating as well and I'm FINALLY learning how to breathe again.

25 years after your death, I allowed myself to mourn you. 25 years after your death I found myself laying in the fetal position in the bath tub, screaming out to you, "I hate you, why did you leave me here by myself? It's not fear!! Why didn't you take me with you?" 25 years after your death, I acknowledged you. I finally acknowledged the powerful presence and influence that you and your death have had on my life.

I was holding onto so much anger and hurt and confusion that I was afraid to allow it to come to the surface to be released. But today, I release all of the hurt. I release all of the sorrow and I release all of the anger that I harbored towards you and your death, I release it all into God's loving light and positive energy. I FORGIVE YOU. I FORGIVE YOU. I FORGIVE YOU. AND I THANK YOU for delivering me into this world and for allowing me to use you as a portal to get me here to perform my life's work.

Some wise people say that we all choose our parents before reincarnating into this earth plane and that our mothers are simply portals to birth us into the world to perform our life's purpose. Well, I sure chose a pretty fly portal to get me here. My dad still carries a picture of you in his wallet, you have on an animal print bikini in the photo. Most people say I look just like my dad. Growing up I hated when people would make a big deal about how much I looked just like him as if you never existed. I hated it, I used to think people were trying to say that I looked like a man. But man, I saw that photo of you in that 2 piece, I have your legs. Thank you. Thank you for the gift to write. Thank you for passing your light spirit on to me. Thank you for hovering over me and keeping the bad spirits away from me. Simply Thank you, you are one fly spirit. THANK YOU ETERNALLY FOR BRINGING ME HERE. LEARNING LOVE ALWAYS, YOUR DAUGHTER.

NiggaDreams & 420

Took myself out to eat on Monday. $25 on a raw meal in the East Village. I sat next to a group of designers and models from London.niggadreams.The waitress smiled and politely told me that my card was declined. Checked my account balance and I had $0. Went through my wallet: $6 in cash and a personal check that I wrote to myself some months ago that reads "infinite abundance from the universe via living your life's purpose." Aww Fuck...Walked home from the bus stop.niggadreams broadcasting.save yaself, fuckthem, save yaself fuckthem...Been eyeing this 10 week screen-writing course for the past few months. Cost $420 to enroll. Class starts in October...$0 until next Friday.420. 420. niggadreams...student loans, new metropass, flight down south. $0 until the next next Friday.420. 420...On Tuesday a co-worker came to me and asked me if I could work three days for her. I told her to let me think about it. The next day she came to me again and asked me if I could cover another shift for her...Four extra days of work...420. They said god said at 420"Others, like seed sown on good soil, hear the word, accept it, and produce a crop, thirty, sixty or even a hundred times what was sown."...niggadreams.Them flying angels told you to write and to watch your life expand.That white lady wasn't lying, she knows. That dude wasn't interested in you, he just wanted you to know that you a dope writer...niggadreams.niggadreams...mediocre paychecks, your head on his chest, subsidized housing in the suburbs, pay raises...mediocre paychecks, your head on his chest,subsidized housing in the suburbs, pay raises...fuckthem,fuckhim,saveyaself...

This Little Light of Mine....

A few weeks ago I saw a commercial on BET for celebrity choreographer, Lorianne Gibson's new reality TV show. Within the commercial Lorianne Gibson scolds her dancers for not fully utilizing their gifts. She coldly warns and reminds her dancers, "YOU CAN'T AFFORD NOT TO SHINE." Lorianne's words have been playing within my head for weeks..."YOU CAN'T AFFORD NOT TO SHINE." "YOU CAN'T AFFORD NOT TO SHINE." "YOU CAN'T AFFORD NOT TO SHINE." "YOU CAN'T AFFORD NOT TO SHINE."

Thank you for your the continuous support of my blog. Your feed-back has truly inspired me and touched my heart..Just in case you want to read a bit more, here is another project that I am birthing: www.ash-woods.com.

Also,if you are familiar with free-lance writing or book publishing, please drop me a line.

Let your soul GLOW.

Life Lesson 25: Release

I always, always carry a notebook with me. However, for, the past month I have searched my house up and down for a nice clean notepad and I have yet to find one. I've found an old red notepad that only has about 10 sheets left within it. I tried to sit down and write within the notebook, but, lately I've been feeling uninspired to write. A few days ago I told a beautiful earth angel about my inability to write and she told me that one of my flying angels told her that I've been using writing as a scapegoat. Instead of dealing with my emotions head on, I've been pouring and burying my emotions into my notepads...I've been releasing a lot within the pass few months. Releasing a lot of crap, other people's stuff, entities, child-hood trauma, death, you name it and it's coming up. This "stuff" don't seem to want to go into my notepad, so it's getting released into the loving flow of the Universe. I feel different. I feel lighter. I feel like throwing away all of my jeans and getting a new wardrobe full of dresses and clothes that don't irritate my woman part. I've been walking out the house without any under clothes on, bras and underwear feel restricting. My legs haven't been shaved in weeks. I feel fucking beautiful, like pure. I find it amusing that I've walked around for 25 years feeling like a defect. For the past few weeks there's been this voice in my head that keeps asking me, "who the hell told you that you weren't beautiful? Who told you that lie?" I feel like burning my notebooks. My mouth won't even budge to rehearse my poetry. I feel connected. I finally forgave my birth mother for dying and transitioning and planting me here without the comfort of her flesh body and ever since then I've been feeling so connected to people. I've always feared people or thought that I wasn't worthy of companionship, but, as of late my spirit has been open to attracting and receiving some divine connections, I'm simply amazed. I'm laying on the table receiving a colonic and I feel totally connected with my colon hydro therapist, like I really love that lady and I can see myself building an awesome friendship with her, my colon hydro therapist lol. Just the other day, I walked into this zen spiritual bookstore that I've always wanted to work in and the cashier and I end up swapping books with each other and exchanging information. We hugged before I departed the store. I've never been a hugger, I've always cringed at the thought of someone reaching out to hug me. I'm usually a one, two, three patter on the back type of hugger, but, man, I really hugged that cashier and I hugged my colon hydrotherapist too. They were genuine hugs, full of love and just beautiful flowing energy...It feels so AWESOME to see and feel the benefits of releasing a lot of junk that I've been holding onto for 25 years. For the past few years, I've been thinking that I've been enlightening myself by reading all of these "new age" and self-help books and changing up my diet and working on changing my negative thoughts and talking all of these nice positive words and repeating affirmations but, man, all of that nice, good, and positive stuff had no where to go, because I was full of so much old junk and garbage that I had been holding onto for years. And as the beautiful earth angel Kelarius says, "you can't put light on top of garbage, you still gonna smell and feel kind of funky." It feels so good to finally begin to see glimpses of me!!! It feels so good to make space for love and to allow myself to receive love without hesitation. This has been one of the roughest years within my short journey on this earth plane, but, man, oh man, It feels good to say that I finally allowed myself to truly live and to truly FEEL. I've been so focused on trying to be all spiritual and ascend beyond this earth plane that I totally forgot that I did choose to reincarnate here as a human for a reason...I love you Ash-Can, Great Job : )

Rice and Beans Portal

We have rice and beans for dinner almost every night,
white rice and red beans or yellow rice and guandules made with Sofrito.
ma pulls out her burnt stainless steel pot,
heats the pot,
pours some olive oil into the pot,
digs her spoon into the sofrito jar and splats the red Sofrito into the pot,
cracks a can of guandules beans,
pours them into the pot,
adds some white rice,
adds a little water and the water turns yellow,
everyone asks ma to make yellow rice and beans for family gatherings, she complains, but she always says yes to every request.
I think she likes being needed,
she looks at her kids and she feels like a failure,
she looks at her yellow rice and beans and she feels accomplished,
she's the same way about her mac and cheese too,
she only uses America's Choice shredded Mozzarella and Cheddar cheese in her mac and cheese,
she pulls out a large aluminum pan,
dumps a pot of noodles into the pan to hide her reflection
she bangs two eggs against the table and she graciously releases the egg yolk into the noodles
She calls for the tub of butter,
takes 3 large spoonfuls of butter and wings them into her pan,
She sprinkles in the mozzarella and cheddar cheese,
Spanks the bottle of Lawry's seasoning salt and springs seasoning on top of the mac and cheese,
she mixes the dish with her bare hands,
She removes her hands from the mixture and she raises her right index finger to her mouth to taste her creation,
it's missing something,
she adds some more Lawry's seasoning,
she scoops another finger of her creation and she raises her index finger to her mouth again to taste,
she closes her eyes and she smiles at the taste of her creation,
She feels accomplished...

Brown Hued Rainbows - An excerpt for her

Everyone thinks that because your're red that you're supposed to be pretty. Ma is pretty and my sister Fimula is pretty too. I seen pictures of my father too and he's handsome. Even though I love my Ma, I sometimes wish that my father would have stayed in his lane and gave birth to me with a regular brown girl. That way I could have nappy hair, brown skin, big lips and a big nose and I would look normal and possibly even cute. Since my father sifted to the other side, I got yellow skin, nappy hair, a big nose and thin lips. Everytime we go to visit Ma's sisters in Bridgewater, they always remind me and Ma of how Ma screwed up and forgot to pass the pretty genes on to me. "Ewww, that child sure got hair just like her daddy and Ms. Ellabee, she sure ain't get our hair, she got that thick stuff."

I wonder if my kids will come out with hair like me and my father or if they gon' have nice curly hair like Ma side of the family. I don't really like white boys and there ain't none around here anyway and the Puerto Rican boys around here don't really think I'm pretty next to the Puerto Rican Girls with they long curly hair and sassy attitudes. My cousin Arty, he mixed, but he more on the black side and he had a baby by a real black girl, Shayla. Shayla real pretty though, and they baby come out light skin yellow like me and the baby got good hair like Ma and her family. So I guess I can still have pretty babies even if I have kids by a full black boy. I want kids one day, I just don't want them to hate me if they come out ugly. I don't think that I'm all ugly. But at first glance, I'm not what you would call pretty. When I look in the mirror, it's a certain way that I scrunch up my nose when I practice my smile, I think I look pretty then. Rasheed from Ms. Hirsch's class, he say that I got some nice lips. Rasheed is cool. He always nice to me. I always catch him smiling and watching me like he see something special. He look like the color of burnt cornbread or pound cake, he got a lot of scars on him from the chicken pox and always running around getting into something. He's not cute, he looks like a boy, looks like he'll look like a real strong man when he gets older.

-Excerpt from a larger piece - peace : )

Lmenopee

His spirit makes her think of sunshine and rain drops
She holds umbrellas and wears sun visors to keep her heart
Carries Rose quartz in her bra to protect her heart
Vibrates dichotomies of protection and affection
makes him think she's playing with his heart
Coloring outside the lines and leaving white spaces
Her heart still pumps child hood cherry kool-aid
Kool-Aid smiles broadcast in between programs programmed in the ghetto
White Sugar coat her heart real thick
Burn it, Scorch it, burn it,
Burnt it, scorched it, burnt it,
Brown sugar
Brown Sugar fiend

He tanned her with his sun,
now his shadow follow her even when the sun don't shine
Burn it, scorch it, burn it
Burnt it, scorched it, burnt it